Thoughts...

Hello old friend,
It's been awhile and I have grown up (not height wise, still the same shorty)... I've been studying and its just been difficult to wrap my head around these couple of lectures so I decided to procrastinate, what I do best! Looking back at my and others' old/new blog posts... I've realised how different I am nowadays and how disconnected I have become from my old friends, hell, even my new friends and the world. I was such a different person when I was young, so motivated, so active and just so much more... But nowadays, I rarely step out of the house unless invited out (which I bail half the time and I'm not even asked out that often) or to go to work or university. It scares me, how much I crave the quiet and solitary, how much I just want to keep sleeping and not wake up. When and why have I started to become ... this. Looking with someone else's perspective, I would never have assumed me as someone this miserable. What? Chin Li who is always all smiles, carefree, if a little antisocial? Chin Li that bought a car, live so luxuriously has an adorable cat and is welcomed by so many people both at work and socially? Carefree has become my middle name, as in I don't care enough to bother, cannot be fucked whatsoever about most things.v There is more than meets the eye, I am exceptionally grateful for all the luxuries I have and the opportunity to come to Melbourne and live so comfortably and have such a reception at work and my tiny group of friends I've met here that stuck to me thick and thin but I don't feel that I have improved in any way nor advanced anyone's life. But I am okay with that. I don't need to be relevant, I just need to get my life sorted and get my sense of urgency back. One thing I am certain about is how much I absolutely loathe studying, having absolutely no interest to do so and I cannot wait until I am done with this degree. I am still the same person, with my little nerdy love for books and video games. I just feel like I've past my prime at the age of 22 which is ridiculous. I won't say I'm happy, but I am content, I have outgrown the old bright, active, social butterfly Chin Li but I will from now on strive to be better than her even though it seems impossible. I will reconnect with my old friends, make an effort with my new ones and just stop this bullshit "content" and try. Just start trying again. Carefree is good, but care is better. I miss you.